My perfect picture
I had always dreamed of my life being colourful and never ending. Always dreamed of having a loving brother and sister, mommy and daddy. I had planned out everything when I was a little girl.
I had never thought about my life going in reverse. Never thought about it turning black and white... dull. Never thought about having a violent brother and sister, or mom and dad. I knew some families were like that. But, I never thought of it happening to me.
Reaching 6th grade, I was so excited. I couldn't wait to start growing up. But, this was a new school, and I didn't know what to expect.
Kids seemed to be nice to me, but I didn't know underneath all of that, they wished I never came to their school. Older kids would look at me funny and then point at me. I didn't know how to react. I was feeling a little nervous.
The next 7 months were the same. But, then I started coming to school with bruises and scars on my helpless body. Which, then I became more weaker than I ever was.Everone treated me with the same dirt every day. But, there was one girl... Lana DeLonge. She was beautiful and very caring. She seemed to be my only friend ever.But, then she had to move away. I was shocked to hear what she had said. She kept on talking, but I didn't want to hear more. It was too painful for my ears.
I had become depressed and it seemed to be permanent. I had done so many dangerous things to get her off my mind. I didn't want to lose my only friend.
I cared so much for her. I wanted to be with her. That was one of the reasons why I left.Now I go to the same school as her. She seemed happy to see me for a little while. But, now she doesn't sqeeze anytime in her life for me. She hangs out with the popular crowd and I'm left out in the dust... no one is there for me anymore. She says she is my bestfriend. Ha, like yeah right.
I had dreamed of having someone to care about me. But, my dreams never come true, anyway. So, why bother?
posted by Lor's blog @ 10:55 PM
12 Comments:
Hi Laura,
My name is Mike and I'm a college student from New York. I found your weblog and wanted to let you know that things can and will get better for you, and not to give up or lose hope. You write brilliantly (not for a 6th grader, I mean brilliantly as in you're a great writer regardless of your age) and I'm sure that you will only become a better writer as you move through school.
My mom is a school social worker, and she listens to students everyday tell her about things going on in their lives they don't feel as though they have control over. I'm leaving this comment right now because I want you to understand that you do have control over what is happening to you at home. You don't have to sit by as though you're a stranger in your own home. You can make things better for yourself, and here's how to do it.
Does your school have a social worker? If so, stop down by his or her office and introduce yourself. Tell them about moving to the new school, what you think about when you go home, and what happens to you when you're not in class. They will do absolutely everything in their power to help you through your situation, I promise.
If your school doesn't have a social worker (it might not, my school didn't when I was in 6th grade) then please go down to the nurse's office and speak with him or her. Tell them what happens to you when you're home, and please show them your bruises if you have to. They *need* to know what is going on so they can help.
Adults at school aren't there just to teach you stuff, but to help you through situations you may find yourself in. Please trust me on this one: find an adult at school who looks nice and talk with them about what is going on. They will help you out in any way they possibly can.
If you ever need someone to talk with about anything, or just some advice, you can always email me. My address is mike@phark.net. I'm always here to talk if you need someone to talk to.
Take care, and keep up the great writing :)
Mike
Hang in there kiddo.
The beauty with black and white is that you can add whatever colors you want.
Hi Laura
I just wanna echo Mike's words...
You are a great writer, I would easily have thought you were much older had you not said otherwise.
Life gets better I promise. When i was at primary school I had a real hard time - I went to a private school where i would bord during the week (i.e live at the school) there I would get bullied by this guy who's Dad was the headmaster. My mum was the head of PE and so it seemed no matter where i turned I couldn't get help - no teacher would stand up to the headmaster who was the biggest [insert ruddist possible word here] it would always work out that I got the blame for everything.
At home, i lived with my mum/sister, step father and his three children. His two twin sons would bully me constantly, steal my things and make my life hell, so the weekends were no better than the weeks...
When i turned 12/13 my mum left my step dad, and i moved up to secondary school - things started to get better.
I didn't so much get bullied anymore, I just got left out of things, cos i was the fat private school kid in a state school.
by the 3rd grade, i'd lost all my weight and shed my private school image - I finally left at the end of the 3rd grade and people were actually sorry to see me go.
I moved to Cornwall at the age of 15 with my mum and her new partner. From there everything was great. When i got to college, i was constantly dating girls and had lots of friends. Now i'm running my own business.
What i went through as a Kid has made me the person I am today - I am far stronger, mature and independent as a result.
Do as Mike says, find an adult to talk too, they're there to help you!
Best wishes to you!
Depression is a part of all our lives, Laura, and the only trick is not to let it consume you entirely. The valleys of your life will make you appreciate the peaks even more -- and they are on the way; don't worry.
Hi Lor,
I too lived in the country when I was younger. Back when I lived there, I had the same feeling of "oh man, there's nothing to do" that you seem to be having. Since then I've moved away and have lived in the city and now in the suburbs. I can honestly say that I now miss the country. There's a whole world going around outside your house that its hard to appreciate when you're there, but becomes apparent when its not.
Take for instance the stars. Back in the country when I would go outside, it seemed like every single star in the galaxie was looking down on me. You could even see the "milk" in the Milky Way. Now, because of so much artificial lighting, I only get to see the brightest ones, and only on the clearest of nights.
I also know that when your in grade school life seems to be consumed by that environment. Unfortunately, the grade school environment doesn't really have much correlation with the world outside of it. At times it seems like the only thing that matters is being cool. Once you get out of school, being cool takes the back seat. You have a career and responsibilities that will become more important than who's popular. I realize this is probably of little consolation however.
Anyhow, try to keep your head up. You are a good writer and venting on your blog is a good way to express yourself. Best of luck to you.
Laura, you are a terrific writer. And your ability to express yourself through written word so powerfully is not only inspiring but moving.
Stick in there, despite what people say you can get help. You just need to give it a chance.
When I was a kid -- my Dad was in the Navy. I moved around for a long time -- we started moving when I was 5, and I had a new school up until the seventh grade.
I don't think I fit in -- a few years later, I had some of my friends pass away, so I started to feel really sad, and spent more time with myself.
Part of what made me feel better -- was I started writing, and I started doing artwork. I eventually went to college with as a Psychology major, with a focus on grievances - but I kept up my writing and my artwork, and it got me this far.
This are confusing at times even now - and they feel too complicated or not what we dreamed they would be... but life isn't all TV and movie stars, it has it's own faults we don't expect.
So why bother? Because I learned that it's not really the destination that's important, it's the fun of getting there. You learn so much on the way, and once you realize it's unpredictable and it's your own rules, it gets 100 times better.
No body deserves to treat you bad, no matter who you are. No body should ever hurt you, because you're more important than that. So why bother? Because of me and all the people on here who care enough to tell you that all of us have felt like you have, but it does get better... and if sometimes it feels like it's too much for you to take, just tell one of us and someone close to you at school (like a cool teacher) -- let them know that you want someone's help. It's a good way to make things better quickly.
DLor,
Hang in there. I am adopted. Been through hell and a handbasket. I am 24. Crazy shit happened in my life.
Know i am thinking about you prayin for ya as I go to bed. Thanks Mike for the link. Take care get some good rest and hopefully peace will fall on you tommorow.
Aww... thank you so much, you guys! Really, I didn't expect to get so many replies on this! :)
But yeah, life's getting better! Thank you soo much!
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